Feeling Off-Track

Do you know the feeling when you just aren’t exactly right?  I have that feeling this week.  I had a great weigh in on Monday, and have been on track with eating (have not exceeded daily points).  The only possibly explanation is exercise.  I normally am able to exercise much more, but this week is off.  In my defense, I had to get something removed from my leg and have 3 stitches (which sounds WEAK), but it is pretty uncomfortable.  You leg is an odd place to have skin removed because I have learned that as a general rule, leg skin is very tight. 

I think there is a great underlying message here.  I now like exercise.  I said it, it’s out in the universe and I can’t take it back.  I am excited that I have come to rely so much on exercise as a daily part of my life – BUT, the downside comes when I can’t get out there and do it.  I feel like a slug since I missed my spinning class this morning…  and I am going to miss my long run on Saturday with my ladies. L

I am going to take this feeling, and internalize it.  I don’t want to feel like this again.  I want to be able to keep up with my exercise for not only my physical health, but my mental health as well.  Who knew that a spinning class could bring so much sanity to one’s soul?  Before I started back with my regular classes, I probably would have argued that it was some kind of Chinese water torture.

Make sure you are feeding your body and soul what it needs so you can stay on track and hit your goals.

"Unless you puke, faint or die, keep going!" - Jillian Michaels

Peace out from the biggest girl on the smallest legs.

XOXO

Today is a GOOD DAY

Today is the start of week 4 with the Weight Watchers program.  I have now experienced 3 full weeks of healthier eating and good focus on daily activity.  I am here to tell you today that it does work, and I have lost 10.7 lbs!!!  WOOT!!!!

I actually am starting to feel like this is less of a ‘diet’ now because I really don’t have to restrict in ways that I have historically restricted.  In the past when I tried to lose weight I would totally remove dinners out, and stock my refrigerator with only things that were green in color.  I am here to tell you that you have to have variety to keep on track, and while my fridge has lots of green roughage in it now, it also has other delish morsels.  I lost 3 lbs this week and I even snuck in froyo, wine, Mexican, birthday cake, etc.  I just made smart choices, and smaller portions.

The beauty of this is that Brant and I still go out to dinner 1 or 2 times a week, and I still get yummy things but I tweak my order a bit.  A great substitution that I found was at our favorite Mexican spot.  Instead of getting the full blown chicken fajitas meal (comes with a guacamole salad and beans too…), I now order the chicken fajitas salad and am 100% satisfied.  It has a lot of good chicken, lots of veggies, some cheese and grilled onions.  All in all, allowing myself to eat out, have a few glasses of wine on the weekends, and balancing all of that with portion and exercise is a winning combination for me!

I am proud today.  Today is a good day.

Now that I have tooted my own horn, I can move on to something a little more interesting.  Actually, probably not more interesting – but I want to talk about it. J

If I have not mentioned this before, I am a member in a small running group of fab lady friends.  I have mentioned in past posts that I am not a runner.  This still holds true.  I can attest to the fact that joining a running group does not make you a better runner.  I had high hopes that some magic would happen, but no luck – I’m still slow and awkward.  This is beside the point though.

Our fab running group meets for our ‘long run’ day on Saturday.  This means that we are running independently during the week to prepare for our big day.  The running group cheerleader (I would also call her the Team Manager) has been kind enough to send us our schedules weekly, so we know exactly what we are supposed to do each day.  This is VERY HELPFUL! 

This week our ‘long run’ day just happened to be on a morning where sweet Mother Nature decided that the temperature should be 16 degrees without factoring in the wind chill.  I chose the picture attached to this post because I could have been wearing nothing more than a speedo and would have expected to be just as cold as I felt!!  As a side note - those are real men, or stupid men.  But kudos to them for letting logic lose in the decisions that led up to this picture.

Back to me. 

Within a minute of starting our run, both of my eyes were watering and my nose was running.  After 2 minutes, I am pretty sure my tears had frozen and my eyeballs were getting cold enough to reduce vision.  After 5 minutes it felt like my throat had completely iced over.  Thankfully I had my dog with me to continue to drag me in the right direction.

In lieu of giving you a parting request,  I would like to share some wisdom with you.  Do not run when it is 16 degrees before factoring in the wind chill.    

Peace out from the biggest girl on the smallest legs.

XOXO

929 Miles from Richmond, Virginia to Key West, Florida

And I am going to ride those miles on my bike in spinning class.  929 MILES.  This is not some crazy thing that I schemed on my own.  As much as I would love to spin for 929 miles without any motivation at all – I do have some from my gym.  They are sponsoring this contest, and the goal is to see who can get there first, or who can hit 929 miles rather. 

Details

• The contest begins on January 31^st
• There will be 3 bikes that secretly have odometers, and your overall miles for each class will come from the average of what those 3 little buggers read
• There is supposedly a prize for winning, but I am not yet sure what that is – I would like to say it is an all expense paid trip to Key West, but I am pretty sure that is not the case
• I don’t know how in the H.E. double hockey sticks I plan to spin 929 miles, but I have already signed up and am going to go for it

As we all know I am not someone who is good at math, but as I was spinning the other evening (note: this does not count toward my mileage to Key West) I was trying to run some high level numbers in my head.  The bikes at my current gym don’t have odometers, but at my last gym they did… and I would average between 30 and 35 miles per class.  I decided to use 30 because it’s an easy number and I know that there are a lot of people that are slower than I in those classes.  Shocking, but true.

SO, stick with me here -

• 30 miles per class
• 7 classes a week

EQUALS

• 210 miles per week
• 4 and a half weeks to reach my sunny & warm destination

Now, the word on the street is that there will be 2 or more 90 minute cycle classes available and if I take those I can add about 15 miles more each time.  Let’s be real, that won’t do much overall, but it sure sounds good.

As I was climbing my virtual hills, and let's use virtual pretty loosely because those are serious hills when you are riding them, I was also thinking through what I would need to help me get though this challenge.  I feel like the below list would be very helpful.

• Boudreax’s Butt Paste for chaffing
• An economy bottle of Advil
• Some sweet aerodynamic glasses
• A water bottle with an inspirational message
• A new pair of the biking ‘diaper pants’

This list is a pretty good start, but I think I will be adding to it once I get undway with this challenge.  The last item is probably the most critical.  If you have never worn a pair of the biking ‘diaper pants’ you are really missing out.  These things are amazing.  They are like leggings with strategically placed padding in the bathing suit area.  I can’t tell you how many times I have secretly thanked the inventors of such revolutionary pants. 

Today I ask you to join me.  Start you own journey to Key West or some other goal that you want to reach J   Once this nonsense gets started I'll keep you up to date on current mileage and locations!!  Stay tuned.

“Life is like riding a bicycle.  To keep your balance you must keep moving” – Albert Einstein

Peace out from the biggest girl on the smallest legs.

XOXO

Give Hope and Kick Cancer

In November 2010, one of my dear friends was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I don’t think I will ever forget the feeling that I had when I read her email.  I had so many unanswered questions.  Was she okay?  Would she be okay?  How far along was the disease?  How could I help?  I don’t remember exactly what my reply to her said, but I did everything I could to show her that I was behind her 100% in her fight, and I although I don’t think she would want my cooking, I do have a mean right hook.  That isn’t actually true about the right hook, but it sounds tough.  And for the record, I would in fact like to punch cancer in the face.

The fantastic news came when she emailed a few weeks later and said that she had gone through a battery of testing and that she is lucky enough to have the cancer that anyone with cancer would love to have (those were her words, not mine).  She has an early stage and it has a 100% survival rate!!!  Overjoyed does not describe the feeling.  But, it makes you realize that this is not the message that is always delivered.  Her message came because of her diligence around prevention.  A mammogram.  An annual mammogram.

The American Cancer Society recommends yearly mammograms starting at the age of 40, and continuing for as long as a woman is in good health.  They also recommend a clinical breast exam every 3 years for women in their 20’s, and 30’s, and every year for 40 and over. 

If my friend had not been so diligent, her cancer may not have been found until symptoms started to rear their ugly head.  Once symptoms are visible, you have far progressed down a path that you would prefer not to be on. 

Here is where I find her journey amazing.  She took her cancer as a challenge, and although she had an early stage, she still had to endure a lumpectomy and is starting her radiation in the next few days.  After she came through the other side of the lumpectomy, she sent an email to many of her friends, and she gave us our own challenge.  A challenge for us to endure while she is busy kicking her breast cancer’s ass.

This was her challenge:

1)       Bolster her in pursuit of a clean bill of health

2)       Raise awareness about breast cancer

3)       Show the importance of early screenings

I do my best to support her in any way I can and as often as I can, so now I am going to honor her request and raise awareness about breast caner.

BREAST CANCER STATISTICS

Source: www.Komen.org

·         Except for skin cancers, breast cancer is the most common type of cancer among women in the United States and is the leading cause of cancer deaths among women ages 20 - 59. It is second only to lung cancer as a cause of cancer death among women.

·         Nearly 200,000 women will be diagnosed with invasive breast cancer this year (non invasive cases add 60,000 to this number) and about 40,000 women will die from breast cancer this year.

·         2,000 men in the US will be diagnosed this year and 400 men will die from breast cancer this year.

·         Breast cancer risk factors include: Age (95% of cases occur after 40), Higher Estrogen Levels ( Height, before 12 menstral cycle, later menopause, use of hormonal birth controls, over 35 first pregnancy), genetic mutations (there are several identified, but it is unclear how causative they are), family history (the more members of immediate and first degree relatives = higher risk) and being overweight or gaining weight after menopause.

·         Additional factors include exercise, socioeconomic status (higher=increased risk), breastfeeding (decreased risk).

So please take this information and pay it forward as we all have very important women (and men) in our lives that may not have the level of awareness necessary to get them to walk through that door. 

Peace out from the biggest girl on the smallest legs.

XOXO

Only 30 More Weeks of 2 Pound Losses.

I didn’t have a great weigh in this week, but I did LOSE! I am still going the right direction. I did a great job with exercise, and I felt like I did a good job with intake, but I did have a little restaurant splurge on Saturday and a few other small splurges during the week. I will not look back and analyze this because I did a good job, and I was living life and not sitting inside a ‘diet box’, as my WW leader calls it.

I am the kind of person that needs a tangible goal. I need to be able to quantify something, wrap my head around it, process it, and then I can commit myself to it. As I sit here today, I need to lose 60 pounds to get to my goal weight. Wow. That is really real when I write it down. 60 POUNDS. I have never lost 60 of anything…. Brain cells maybe, but not much else. Please take a moment to observe the picture of the 60 pound fish. Yes, I need to lose that fish.

OK, so now I have a tangible goal. I need to lose 60 pounds at about 2 lbs per week (yes, I know that this isn’t going to be easy, and I won’t ALWAYS lose 2 a week, but it’s a good round number). This means I have the ability to be at my goal weight by August 16, 2011. For those of you paying attention, that is this year!!! Maybe I should just say that my birthday should be my goal date – September 2nd. What a great present for myself. Last year I got myself a pair of shoes, maybe this year I could get a new wardrobe. (Brant, my dear husband – if you are reading this, start saving for my new wardrobe birthday present now please – Anne Taylor Loft, Banana Republic, and Anthropology would be a fab start!).

Fat girls can always buy themselves shoes because your feet pretty much stay the same size. This year, I want to buy clothing that is significantly smaller than what is in my closet today. I can’t even imagine what a size Medium shirt would be like. I can tell you what it is like today though. It’s like a sausage casing, and it keeps rolling up. Speaking of sausage casing, I’ll tell you what will make you feel that way… Under Armor. It is great stuff and I love it, but my god when I put on an XL shirt it’s like I am trying to put my 3 year old niece’s shirt on. There is another tangible goal – fit into Under Armor shirt without feeling like it is squeezing all of the air out of my lungs.

Well my friends. Another week down and another week is coming full speed ahead. I pledge to myself that I am going to exercise at least 5 times this week (biking, running, spinning, etc). Please pledge to do something kind for yourself this week as well, and don’t worry, you can thank me later. (I accept gift cards of ‘thanks’ to mid-grade couture, as long as they are good through September 2, 2011) ;)

Borrowing my new favorite quote from on of my favorite friends…. I may just add this to each post going forward to remind me of what I need to do.

"Unless you puke, faint or die, keep going!" - Jillian Michaels

Peace out from the biggest girl on the smallest legs.
XOXO

Bye Bye Bertha

Oh Bertha, on Wednesday of this week, you left my person for good.  You were never welcome, and when you so kindly invited yourself to the party, I would have liked to kick your ass to the curb before you had a chance to take hold.

Bertha and I have not been acquaintances for long.  She decided that October 2010 would be a good time to start growing on my right cheek.  I know some of you are wondering who this wretched Bertha is, and I will tell you.  She supposedly is an adult onset rapidly growing cherry angioma.  Say that 5 times fast.  These are pesky *hopefully* benign tumors that grow on peoples face and neck randomly.  Thank god that happened after I got married.  Brant (my loving husband) may have taken one look and run the other way – but now he is already trapped, thank god for that.  I am sure any man would be very attracted to me with a a kidney bean attached to my face.  Maybe Brant would have had more competition....  Deep Thoughts with Stephanie.

I named her because she got big enough to deserve a name, but not quite big enough for her own zip code (it’s a fine line).  I also named her because in some alternate universe it helped me cope with the situation.  The situation is that I needed to have a plastic surgeon cut her off of my poor cheek.  I have never had anything cut off or out of my body – not even a wisdom tooth (feverishly knocking on wood).  This is so traumatizing that for one day I am not thinking about how my chin has 2 other chins!!!  (quick joke – Who has more chins than Stephanie(that's me for those not paying attention)?.....?...... a: The Chinese Phone book!).  But in all seriousness, even though I was just getting a little local pain med and was awake, I WAS SOOO SCARED!  I have always been a whimp though… 

I do have a Dr. crush on my plastic surgeon though...  He was is very nice and seemed to enjoy that the kidney bean hanging off of my face already had a name.  He was even kind enough to refer to her as Bertha the entire time I was in the office.  I got play by play updates... "ok Steph, I am now getting ready to cut Bertha off, and burn the area where she was so she cannot return", me: "wow, you make that sound so romantic, I'm not any less scared now", Dr. L: "I know, I have a way with words". 

So now I focus on the future.  Bertha is leaving and I need to move on.  She will leave in her wake a scar, a scar that will always allow me to think back to our 3 month love affair.  As soon as it is healed enough, I will be going to buy the best cover up that money can buy!  Speaking of cover up, why in the year of 2011 is there no better way to cover up my gut?  I guess that’s why they made those poncho shirts a few years ago, and why oversized sweaters and really tight tights are in style today.  That really only exacerbated my issue of having tiny getaway sticks and a gut.  Oh well, maybe that will detract from the wrath of Bertha for a bit.

I hope that everyone has a safe and ‘Bertha Free’ day. 

Peace out from the biggest girl on the smallest legs.

XOXO

Rantings from a DEPRIVED Wino

If you have been keeping up with my blog then you are well aware of my Starbuck’s obsession.  If you have not read that post, go back a few days and check it out because it will give a good baseline of how passionately I felt (notice the past tense) about my Venti Non-Fat Caramel Macchiato -  prepared upside-down with 2 Splendas (sometimes extra hot – depends on the situation).  This is important because I am 1000X more passionate about my vino. 

Wine to me is like an adventure.  It’s fun to read about, it’s fun to visit the vineyards, see where/how the grapes are gown, understand the process of picking, smashing, fermenting, bottling, distributing, and finally consumption.  Did I mention that my husband and I planned our honeymoon around wine and wine tasting in Sonoma and Napa, CA?  Well, when I say my husband and I, what I should really say is that I pleaded and he agreed.  That’s what compromising is alllll about ;)

What I loved most about our trip, aside from the panoramic vine vistas, were the tours that took us through their intricate caves, most burrowed pre prohibition.  How fantastic it that?  I have to say that one of my favorite all around tours and tasting was Schramsburg.  This vineyard had a rich history and fantastic sparkling wine.  I am normally not a huge fan of sparkling wine, and prefer my meaty and barnyard like reds – but OMG, I loved me some Schram.  We came home with 2 bottles of Blanc de Blanc and my husband narrowly escaped having me enroll us as lifetime members of their wine club.  He also narrowly escaped this at Opus One, Artesa, Honig, Acacia, and Miner (among MANY MANY others). 

It breaks my poor little heart that there are 5 points in a glass of my delicious meaty barnyard like reds.  In the past I wouldn’t think twice about downing one or three of these enticing and palatable gems, but now my conscious is constantly yapping in the background about “how can you use that many points plus on something to drink”.  If fruit is free, why in the name of all things holy is wine a whopping 5 points plus!!  Oh the humanity!!!!!! 

There is good news here.  I am now consuming much less of this bottled poetry which means I can afford to splurge more on those that I do have.  Don’t get me wrong here, I wasn’t drinking crap just to drink, but the difference between a 20 dollar bottle and a 40 dollar bottle can be significant.  The reality is that I cannot save 15 to 20 points a day for wine because believe me, I have run those numbers through an excel spreadsheet, graphing calculator, and abacus.  So the good news is that although I cannot enjoy it as much as I would like, I can enjoy what a have a little more.  And yes, on Saturday I had enough wine to satiate the wino beast for at least the next 6 days.  And yes, it does hurt a little so say 6 days.

Today, I ask for everyone to think about that one food or drink that you feel like you can’t live without in large quantities, and think about ways to reduce your intake (unless your favorite food is a fruit or non starchy veggie, because if that’s the case you can partake allllll you want!!)

Peace out from the biggest girl on the smallest legs.

XOXO

Questions for a Higher Power

I am feeling pretty spiritual today.  I think that happens when people have major life events or are just really happy or sad for some particular reason.  I am happy because I lost 5.4 pounds since last Monday.  That’s right folks, a week!  When I heard this fantabulous news, I started thinking about some deeper rooted questions.  Now, these won’t be but so deep because honestly I don’t normally have the time to ponder, but today I am going to take some time just for this topic. 

Who Am I?

This is a hard one, or a REALLY easy one.  If you asked me this question today I would tell you that my name is Stephanie and I am a daughter, wife, friend, auntie, dog mother, neighbor, animal lover, and project manager.  What I would like to say, but wouldn’t would be that I am a fat daughter, fat wife, fat friend, fat auntie, fat dog mother, fat neighbor, fat animal lover, and fat project manager.  Now for those out there that think I meant to say phat instead of fat, don’t get it twisted, I am no Jay-Z but I know the difference. 

I am a good person and I try to live my life aligned to basic principles of doing good things for everyone.  I try to enjoy nature and the larger than life things around me.  I also appreciate the forces that are beyond my control such as the solar system, and being a good cook.  I want to come back to this question later in my journey and see what if anything changes about who I am or who I think I am.

Why Am I Here?

Clearly I am here to class up the joint.  No really, I have no idea why I am here.  I can tell you what I want to do while I am here, but that’s about it.  I know that I want to have a positive impact on people’s lives.  I want to help those that are not as fortunate as I have been.  I am already doing some of this today, but I want it to be bigger.  I don’t want my name in lights…  I just find so much personal satisfaction in having a connection with someone that I can help. 

The most satisfaction I have had to date in this realm is with a non-profit called ‘Rebuilding Together’.  This is such a fantastic program for low income and elderly seniors who own their homes but can’t necessarily do what they need to improve their home, or make it more accessible and livable.  I hope to do more with this group as the years pass.  I also want to make people laugh.  I think laughter is the best medicine and I want to share that with as many people as I can.

Where Will I Be in 5, 10, 15 Years?

My hopeful answer to this question is simple…. ALIVE.  But if I am able to meet that hurdle, this is the question that scares me the most.  Will I be able to live up to my own expectation of myself?  Will I really at the top of the ladder somewhere?  Will I still work for my current employer?  Will I be a people mother (or still just a dog mother)?  Will I still have horses in my life (please god say yes)? Will I be a fatty pants?  Will I be skinny? 

The realization that I have had is that this is all about me.  I own this one.  I have come to understand that I need a life plan, and don’t have one (thank you project manager side).  If I can plan a 10MM project from start to finish, why do I have so many unanswered questions about my life and what I want to do and how I am going to get there?

Today’s lesson…

Life is like a well managed project.  If you have a goal in mind but don’t have an execution plan, you will just spin on small issues, get behind, and go over budget. 

My takeaway will be to sit down and at a high level plan out the next 5, 10, 15, and 20 or so years of my life so I know where I am going and how to get there.  I understand I can’t plan for everything, but it will be better than just aimlessly wandering and hoping for the best.  (plus – I’ll be skinny then!!! WooHoo!!)

Peace out from the biggest girl on the smallest legs.

XOXO

Is this really a diet?

No seriously, is this really a diet or am I paying a large corporation to somehow enter my body and melt fat?  It’s early in the game, but I think I may be in love.  I have not yet felt hungry, well let’s get real, I have been hungry – but not that ‘I’m going to eat my own leg’ hungry…  I get what I want, I can still make a bad decision, but now I have to face it and then work it off.  This is golden!! Thank you 7lb 8oz baby Jesus – that was for all you Will Ferrell fans out there.  How did I miss these secrets in eating for the past 10 years?  Are these secrets?  Does everyone else know about them but failed to TELL ME?!  Shame on all of you.  Shame.

I am a new person in a few ways, and I hope it continues.  I have started planning meals and grocery lists a week in advance!  What?  This thought seriously never entered my mind before.  I would just walk down the aisles and get stuff that looked good.  This becomes a problem when you get home and realize you spent $150 on bagels, turkey, bathroom tissue, and wine.  Try to make a meal out of that… 

(Although, not to take you down a rabbit hole here, but I was watching this new show on TLC the other night where they discuss weirdo obsessions and one woman has been eating TOILET PAPER for something like 20 years.  So while I may not be able to make a meal out of bagels, turkey, toilet paper, and wine, I am pretty sure Mrs. I Heart 1-Ply would be just fine.)

Admitting that I can’t prioritize grocery shopping makes me feel like I am a sad project manager outside of work…  I can't even project manage dinner in my own house.  NO MORE I SAY!  I made a fabulous dinner last night, and the night before.  It was all healthy and so good.  Thank you Weight Watchers for kicking me in the pants.  Thank You. 

Will Power. Check.

I now need to call on the spirit of ‘please let me stay on this fast moving wagon’.  I feel like falling off a wagon wouldn’t be very painful in the 1800’s because they probably moved pretty damn slow.  If I were a horse pulling an Oregon Trail type wagon for 16 hours a day, I would be at a negative MPH.  Wagon’s today are different.  The issue is that everything moves fast in our world today.  I feel like my wagon is a 2010 Ferrari Testarossa that is traveling at top speed.  I DON’T WANT TO FALL OFF OF THIS BABY, it would hurt!!  Plus, I mean, if my wagon is a Ferrari, do I really want to fall off?

Now, how to stay on this proverbial wagon….  I have polled a number of current and past Weight Watcherites and they all seem to try back to one core piece – the ability to continue to track what you shove down your throat.  Apparently, if you are made to actually face the decisions you make, you make better decisions.  Now there’s a novel concept.  I wonder if this would work for the US Government or those crazy religious fanatics.  What about the people that continually don’t choose me to win the Mega Millions lottery?  I guess the lottery is out of the question, but defiantly holds water for the government and crazy religious folk.

Staying On the Wagon.  Hopeful Forever Check.

Today I hope everyone goes forth to prosper in their own endeavors, and please if your butt means anything to you don’t eat that second piece of cake.

Peace out from the biggest girl on the smallest legs.

XOXO

T minus Five Days Until the Next Weigh-In

Five days used to seem like a long time.  When I was a child that kind of time would feel more like a lifetime, especially if I was anticipating something.  If I had five days to hit a work deadline, I would be golden.  If I had five days for vacation, that would be amazing.  But no I have only five minuscule, measly, small days before I need to step back on that intimidating white beast of a scale. 

Why is the scale so intimidating to me you ask?  It is intimidating because it measures whether I am a success or a failure.  Simple.  If I lose weight, I have been a success.  If I lose a lot of weight, I am a rock star.  But what if I get on the beast, and after all of my careful food preparation and moderated intake, a big goose egg pops up.  OMG.  What if, stay with me here, I get on the beast and a positive number shows.  Is there life after that kind of public humiliation?

I am not sure when my complex over personal failure reared its ugly head.  I can’t imagine it was when I was in high school because I didn’t try but so hard, and if I was in the middle of the pack that was just fine with me.  I don’t think it was college either because my GPA was not something that I would tattoo on my forehead for all to see.  So that leaves the last option which is when I started my career at Capital One.  Mystery Solved.  Failure on any scale at this company is exacerbated by 10,000 highly functioning and performing individuals with impressive educational and professional wrap sheets. 

But I was already pudgy when I got my job, wouldn’t it make sense that I would’ve whipped myself into shape before now?  Well, yes.  And I did try.  And I did succeed, but it was not long term success.  I crave long term success.  Long term success is going to take more than a month, more than three months, and maybe even years.  I need to look at the five days ahead of me, and the week after that and the months that are quietly waiting, as my challenge and the path to my success. 

These next five days will be my personal challenge to stay on track with my eating, put on my animal print running attire, and take control of what I can to secure a success on the beast.  I think instead of the beast I am going to give the scale a silly same to make it feel less scary.  Maybe I’ll call it Blanche, or Ruby.  Those are names that don’t intimidate me.  PLEASE HOLD.

After a careful 10 second deep thought, I have decided that going forward I shall only refer to the scale as Blanche, plus I realllllly miss The Golden Girls.

Get ready Blanche.  Get ready.

Peace out from the biggest girl on the smallest legs.

XOXO

“Starbucks, We Need to See Other People”

For those of you reading who know me well, you are very aware of my obsession with Venti Non-Fat Caramel Macchiatos -  prepared upside-down with 2 Splendas (sometimes extra hot – depends on the situation).  It doesn’t matter if I sound like a douche saying it, because when I walk up to order it, I totally own it.  I am not scared to say that I LOVE STARBUCKS and everything it has to offer.  I love its coffee, its specialty drinks, the holiday drinks, the delicious sweet treats….EVERYTHING.  I once pondered leaving a semi lucrative career in the banking industry to pursue a career opportunity as a barista just to learn how to make everything so I could do it at home.  (I also may have fantasized about this with Chick-fil-A too, but that’s story for another day).

I could drink my Venti Non-Fat Caramel Macchiato – prepared upside-down with 2 Splendas (sometimes extra hot – depends on the situation) every day, multiple times a day, and I would be a very happy woman.  Its like a little piece of heaven has fallen into my cup and it’s just for me.  I have had this love affair for a few years.  I think there is a direct correlation with the beginning of my addiction to the timing of a Starbucks being built inside my building at work (a mere few steps away from where I usually sit).  It became my social outing.  Friends would stop by and say ‘hey, let’s grab a bucks’, my meetings started happening there because it was a great meeting ground for those people walking from different buildings, I mean hell we even started code names that related to the place.  My life was then tangled in the stronghold of Starbucks, and there was no way out.  When I say my Starbucks ladies would see me and have my drink ready before I ordered, I would be telling the honest truth.  God I miss those baristas.

I had a realization on Monday, January 3^rd when I came into the office, set down my laptop, walked to Starbucks, came back and pulled up the weightwatcher.com site only to find that of the 35 points a day that I am afforded for sustenance, MY VERY OWN SIGNATURE DRINK WAS GOING TO COST ME 6 OF THOSE SACRED POINTS.  It was like a stab in the heart.  It was at this time that I went into a 5 minute deep depression.  I was coming to the realization that this was no longer going to be my signature drink because my god I needed to eat during the day and if my Starbucks drink (non-fat, remember) was going to take up that many points, well I may starve by the end of the day!  This was a dark time.  I had to go through all 5 stages of grief in only 5 minutes!!  I touched on denial and isolation, then anger, then I started bargaining with the Starbucks woman on my cup to please tell me this was all a lie.  Then in the 3^rd minute, when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, I hit depression - and all of the sudden I was standing at the door step of acceptance.  In this form, acceptance is defined as the point “when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.”

I was free from my Venti Non-Fat Caramel Macchiato – prepared upside-down with 2 Splendas (sometimes extra hot – depends on the situation) addiction.  Done.

I am happy to report that I am now perusing a love affair with the Venti Skinny Vanilla Latte because let’s get real I still have a lot of Starbucks gift cards to use, and those are only like 2 points.  Did you really think I could give up everything?  HELL NO!  J

Day 3 on the Island

Day 2 was a success! 

I feel like I need to celebrate successes on a daily basis to help me stay motivated.  The other thing helping me stay motivated is that the fat on my right hip seems to be larger than that of my left.  I noticed that little gem when trying on a Banana Republic Christmas gift.  nice.

Day 2 started in an interesting way, I woke up at 1:30AM and couldn't go back to sleep.  As in, I couldn't go back to sleep for the REST OF THE NIGHT!  I don't know that has ever happened to me before.  I have willfully stayed up until awful hours in the morning but I am not sure my internal alarm has ever screwed me over quite like that....  The other peice of good news is that I was heading to an office about 3 hours away for a day of fun filled meetings.  Why does this matter you ask?  It matters because by 11am I looked like a zombie and may have had a drool stain on my jacket.  That my friends is how to define looking professional.

I don't think I blame any of the above on my new way of eating.  I may blame the not sleeping on my lack of evening wine, yes I gave that up (during the week) too.  This realization happened when I was texting to a neighbor and friend about my awful sleepless night.  She is on the Weight Watchers journey as well, and she knows that I am no longer having regular glasses of wine...  She jokingly (i think) texted back something to the affect of - see, I told you that you were an alkie.  Thats what friends are for, bring you back to reality.  Luckily, I have not idenfied any other potential symptoms of withdrawal aside from carrying a full wine bottle around like a baby and singing it songs about the way things used to be.  I do have to say that I slept like a rock last night, but I think not sleeping for nearly 24hours is not a sustainable game plan.

This morning I woke up in a bit of a panic because I have to get back on the scale at my next WW meeting which is approximately 5 days, 1 hour, 39 mintes and 2 seconds  away from this moment- but really, who is counting.  I am nervous that I won't lose any weight and that I will get called out in front of the group for being a cog in the wheel of the world's overall success.  Maybe I should rein that in.  I have however put a boycott on daily weigh ins at my house.  I have found in the past that this just makes me an obsessive and crazy person who pushes everyone away and only focuses on myself and food.  There is more to life this time, thats what I keep telling myself.  This needs to be sustainable.  I can totally do this.

Enough of the motivational speeches, now I am turning my focus on exercise.  I have a fantastic oppotunity to become a long distance runner only because I have a crazy dog that needs about 8 hours of exercise a day.  While this truely may begreat for motivation, the only concern is that I run like a duck.  The last time I checked, ducks were not compared to marathon runners, sprinters, joggers, etc.  I need to run more like a cheetah.  I have a lot of animal print in my closet, so maybe I can just dress in my leopard skirt, zebra belt, cheetah shoes, and giraffe blouse....  put on the Nike's and hit the road!!  I think this could definately improve my speed, especially as I am running from being picked up by the mental patient paddywagon.  I think I'll go back to the drawing board on that one.

I wish everyone good luck in your own journeys today.  I will spend the rest of my day working and chewing on celery.  Don't be jealous, I just like to live the high life.

Peace out from the biggest girl on the smallest legs!
XOXO

Day 1 (for the six hundreth time)...

Hello world, and welcome to the first day of my last struggle with weight loss. I'm serious. I have failed six hundred times, but this time is different. I am looking at the last year and a half of my 20's, and I don't want to have to get the largest size that Ann Taylor Loft carries, or have to be embarrassed that JCrew "runs small" enough where it is a waste of time to even walk into the store. I know what you are thinking, "not another whiney blog from a fat girl", but this is different. I hope ;)

This isn't just about being shunned from mid-grade couture. That is most definately a very annoying side effect of my life, but it's really about the important things... What are these things you ask? I want to feel good naked. Like, I don't just want to feel good, I want to look freaking hot. How about that awful demonic thing called a bathing suit? I want to run the other way when I see them, especially the ones with the built in skirt and oversized floral print (which is apparently all a size 16 should wear). You know, I can change that I look crappy in a size 16. I may not be able to change my Amazonian size feet (thanks dad), but I can lose the gut (also, thanks dad). Oh wait, I can't blame my overeating and drive thru obsession on my father, but it sure makes me feel better :).

So this is the first day of my journey to put the kabash on looking like a potato on toothpicks. Did I mention I have super skinny legs, am 5'8, and have a grown man's stomach? Oh, those are just minor details. We may revisit that later. Or maybe not.

I went to my first weight watchers meeting tonight.  I had very mixed emotions which included excitement, fear of being judged, and did I mention excitement?  I have tried WW online before and it worked, but I quit and gained the weight back.  This time, when I lose the weight I am going to remind myself how much time, money, and celery I went through before I make the decision to go grab some McDonald's fries.  I don't want to be the fat friend, fat sister, fat daughter, fat granddaughter, fat auntie, or fat wife anymore. 

Thank you for joining me on this last pilgrimage to look good naked, or look good in Ann Taylor, whatever.

Peace out from the biggest girl with the smallest legs ;)