Bye Bye Bertha

Oh Bertha, on Wednesday of this week, you left my person for good.  You were never welcome, and when you so kindly invited yourself to the party, I would have liked to kick your ass to the curb before you had a chance to take hold.

Bertha and I have not been acquaintances for long.  She decided that October 2010 would be a good time to start growing on my right cheek.  I know some of you are wondering who this wretched Bertha is, and I will tell you.  She supposedly is an adult onset rapidly growing cherry angioma.  Say that 5 times fast.  These are pesky *hopefully* benign tumors that grow on peoples face and neck randomly.  Thank god that happened after I got married.  Brant (my loving husband) may have taken one look and run the other way – but now he is already trapped, thank god for that.  I am sure any man would be very attracted to me with a a kidney bean attached to my face.  Maybe Brant would have had more competition....  Deep Thoughts with Stephanie.

I named her because she got big enough to deserve a name, but not quite big enough for her own zip code (it’s a fine line).  I also named her because in some alternate universe it helped me cope with the situation.  The situation is that I needed to have a plastic surgeon cut her off of my poor cheek.  I have never had anything cut off or out of my body – not even a wisdom tooth (feverishly knocking on wood).  This is so traumatizing that for one day I am not thinking about how my chin has 2 other chins!!!  (quick joke – Who has more chins than Stephanie(that's me for those not paying attention)?.....?...... a: The Chinese Phone book!).  But in all seriousness, even though I was just getting a little local pain med and was awake, I WAS SOOO SCARED!  I have always been a whimp though… 

I do have a Dr. crush on my plastic surgeon though...  He was is very nice and seemed to enjoy that the kidney bean hanging off of my face already had a name.  He was even kind enough to refer to her as Bertha the entire time I was in the office.  I got play by play updates... "ok Steph, I am now getting ready to cut Bertha off, and burn the area where she was so she cannot return", me: "wow, you make that sound so romantic, I'm not any less scared now", Dr. L: "I know, I have a way with words". 

So now I focus on the future.  Bertha is leaving and I need to move on.  She will leave in her wake a scar, a scar that will always allow me to think back to our 3 month love affair.  As soon as it is healed enough, I will be going to buy the best cover up that money can buy!  Speaking of cover up, why in the year of 2011 is there no better way to cover up my gut?  I guess that’s why they made those poncho shirts a few years ago, and why oversized sweaters and really tight tights are in style today.  That really only exacerbated my issue of having tiny getaway sticks and a gut.  Oh well, maybe that will detract from the wrath of Bertha for a bit.

I hope that everyone has a safe and ‘Bertha Free’ day. 

Peace out from the biggest girl on the smallest legs.

XOXO